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Saturday, January 21, 2012


In the summer of 1995 after leaving Rockwell, I was in a music store in Bowie-- at the time my hometown- and this song was playing softly in the background.

Amazon claims the song was released in 1997. I am pretty sure I purchased this CD in 1995. If you did not listen to the song-- it is Yolanda Adams'- More than Just a Melody.

I had to ask the clerk about the song. Some of the verses include:

  • In the still of the moment; my voice can be heard
  • So listen carefully; There's music inside each word
  • I am the composer; Of the melody of life
  • Take my yoke upon you'll learn of me; I'll be your guiding light
  • I am the director; Be part of my symphony
  • I speak peace into the storms; Even the winds obey me
  • Let me be your soul; You'll never have to walk alone
  • I'll help you; Carry on... Carry on

I am positive I purchased the CD for this song-- in the summer or fall of 1995. This was a odd time for me. Odd things were happening and I had no idea why.

But let me back up for a moment and tell you about a job interview I had in the spring of 1995 after I left Rockwell. I met the guy-- for lunch at a Rosalyn, VA restaurant but now cannot remember which one. I was a bit uncomfortable at lunch-- but we set up an interview for me to fly to Boston-- to interview with either Oracle or Digital Equipment. The details are a little unclear-- now. The things, I remember about these series of interviews--

  • I flew out of BWI. There was an odd moment when a little boy of 2 or 3 was flying alone and the stewardess helping him-- wanted my attention for some reason. I was preoccupied with my interview, the long drive I had to make to New Hampshire from Boston, and the flight -- so I kind of half smiled and returned to ignoring them both. Most people today-- get my half smile. I use it to politely disengage. I think she wanted me to watch him.. I half smiled-- and did not watch him. The little boy was white/blonde and running around the waiting room. All of this took place in the waiting room. After they boarded him first because of status [child flying alone]-- I never saw him again. [Added 01-22-12].
  • I was supposed to meet with the guy's daughter-- I am not sure now, how all of this came about-- but the whole thing was uncomfortable for me. After meeting with her-- I was supposed to drive back to Boston and stop by and see him. I got a little lost on the way back-- and went straight to the airport.
  • During the interview the blond daughter said and I quote-- "where did they get you from?". I do not like rudeness and knew few women in my career world so I was not really interested in this position nor seeing her father on my way to the airport. I think the position was for some sort of DBA manager. During that time-- I would often ask hiring managers if that was all they wanted me to do? I did not ask her.
  • In 1997 or so-- when discussing details of this trip-- I said she reminded me of Caroline Kennedy.
  • On the flight home-- I sat next too an attractive blonde-- wearing something like white hip huggers with a nice top. Kind of hip. Next to her was a very attractive [white/italian looking] guy-- who seemed to ignore her to flirt with me. During those days-- I welcomed no one unless a lawyer, or hiring manager so although polite, I did not encourage his advances. I thought it odd he passed on the attractive blonde between us-- to do this. I was maybe a 6-8 with a business suit on-- ... Yes, i feel I did the right thing in ignoring all of this-- though it was natural at the time... took no effort.

When I moved to Hanover from Bowie--the CD came with me. Odd things never stopped after I left Rockwell and I often asked-- what am I looking for. In 1998-- I figured out Richard Nixon was probably my grandfather.

The song- I thought the NSA director. That said-- I had a bad fall in the basement-- and felt surveillance did nothing. This around 1998 or so. If NSA was the director-- I stopped paying attention to them around that time. I am not a fan of NSA nor the many employees I have come across in these last 16 years.

Did the guy come on to me? No. Who did he remind me of-- Robert Gates. I just learned today that a key director at the CIA was Robert Gates. The problem? He was a Bush [H. W.] appointee-- and left with his administration. Later, something about Lynn Cheney's constant appearances on Crossfire-- makes me think-- my dislike of H.W.'s handling of the first Gulf War, subsequent call to Al Gore's senate office to ask if I could do anything to help him run-- may have had a bigger voice than I knew about at the time. I made no secret of my dislike of Bush's handling of the war-- and he was not re-elected. No.. I had nothing to do with it.. I did work with a lot of Naval Academy graduates [Navy Intel?]-- who also might have thought it was too weak a voice-- where kids might lose their lives. Keep in mind the Gulf war was one year after my father's death. My father-- at the time was the only person I knew up close and personal-- to die. At the time-- I heard no explanations for why those kids were sitting in that desert at Thanksgiving-- and to me they appeared too young and too scared.

Did I know of all of my ties to Washington and England at the time of the first Gulf War? No. So my voice was a good judge of how it looked to someone who kept up with the news. I felt H. W.'s voice too weak for the leader role in that conflict.

The Gulf War and the details of that war caught my attention. I knew facts and figures that I am sure most people ignored. I was coming off a year of mourning and that war caught my attention... loudly. I could not believe we were at war. I was worried. Very. Mostly-- I could not believe those kids were sitting in that desert and I had not heard a reason from bush.

You had a mission and then abandoned- after Bush? A good director-- would have found a way to carry on.

I have been through a lot in the intervening years. Today, I am studying Robert Mueller. I think I told the story I was supposed to tell. He is the director of the FBI-- and that is the voice I need now. I do not remember Bob Gates from his days as CIA director. I see him from his more recent-- Defense Secretary position..

Did you want the American public to have a better idea of our issues? You cut me loose. What you should have done-- was let go entirely.. I need Robert Mueller to do that now. I said no. I will follow his lead.

I would have never followed the guy I met for the job interview-- his rude daughter nor bob gates if that was him.

The words to that song are powerful. Bob gates is not. I have paid too much for this.. I need a powerful voice FBI.. A voice that is letting go.. I paid way to much-- while blaming me for firing my powerful director. Even the wind obeys him? So how is it my fault he was fired? Get off me.

Right now I am a little angry. Those who know what I have been through probably get it.. Bob Gates a director for something this large? Mueller is the right exit.. let go. Copy this-- because I want this blog to be more positive than Q's Wire. I wanted to express this so those in the know- could hear me... How dare you.. Me the director? My voice... you forgot to tell bob's other "gals" in washington... Yet I fired? make up your mind.. I repeat how dare you.. Mueller I am the second seat. I was never the director. I told a story I thought I was supposed to tell. You are.. and I want this over.-- this is not an order. I read one or two laws. my rights have been violated. That's why i am asking you to help me.

You cut me loose to a bunch of people worried about their secrets. I had no idea. I paid way too much because Bob Gates lost his job. even the wind obeys me? How dare you?

I have too many powerful family members that do not understand the meaning of no. Mueller is the correct exit strategy for me... I said no.

Did you hear the words-- inner ear in the song?" Over these last years--- i have dreams. Detailed dreams. I knew W. was going to win -- before he won. i have dreamed about Sam Brownback, Gene, lester, and others. most recently-- Robert mueller. The problem-- a sustitution was made in his dream... i was supposed to believe it was Mueller but it was the wrong body type. It was the body type of gates. I am told things in this manner for a reason. I believe there is a hidden speaker in my room somewhere. I did not know who the second "mueller" was until today. The dream was innocent-- but it showed a subsitution. i am not a fan of gates. Said no.

More about the dream... Gene was the last person i dreamed about before mueller. I always ask if he wants to give me a hug. I always say-- that face should give me a hug. He did. It was so real. I remember details about my last ecounter at my place with Gene. I know where he was and what we discussed. the placement is key. I often say-- my bed is not big enough for a lover and my bags. I have a queen size bed-- and my bags-- sit on my bed covered while I sleep. So I mean literally. in the mueller dream-- I am in his presence. Then I am led to believe he gets in my bed and I touch his stomach through his shirt-- which is flabby. I never see his face-- and he is not interested in touching me. he is on the side of my bags. it is not mueller. In real life, a large blonde girl followed me around a local mall on two separate occassions. For some reason i thought she was connected to Gates. Gates-- I lost my job and started a company. i do not owe your blonde gals. said no... Look at this figuratively.. not a desire of mine to put men in my bed. Have none..

By the way-- check with my past lovers... they will tell you I do not touch unless invited to do so... they touch. in the dream it was a mistake I touched that stomach. not a mistake to suggest i did. A mistake my hand brushed by. Not sure why the mueller wannabe was in my bed.

not only my relatives and blood kin. but overweight blondes with vip daddys have a hard time with no... i need the real mueller.. lot of problems with no. I mean no.

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